Still Hungry
At Nathan's Coney Island on the Fourth of July, I ate more hot dogs than anyone alive.
Joey Castagna had his first taste of fame at Victory Hollow Summer Camp, where he won the first annual Milton Supman Memorial Pie-Eating Contest. In six-and-a-half minutes, hands bungeed behind his back, he devoured the entirety of a lattice-crust cherry pie, and even lapped up the crumbs around the tin. His closest challenger, Roosevelt Chang, ate three-quarters of a strawberry-rhubarb pie before suffering a “reversal” - a pink torrent that splashed onto the long picnic table, provoking sympathetic reversals from all the other young contenders. All but Joey. The counselors scrambled to usher the heaving contestants to the camp infirmary, while poor Joey stood above his tin, triumphant and alone, in a wilderness of vomit.
Glory came the next day; the sanitized but still sour-smelling picnic area was transformed into a circle of champions that numbered only one. Joey was given a plaque, a t-shirt that said I ATE IT at Camp V.H. and a gift certificate to Flo's Pie Hole in Davis.
That would have been that, if not for a bitter Roosevelt Chang.
The next morning, Roosevelt sat across from Joey at breakfast. He placed between them a spine-cracked copy of The Guinness Book of World Records.
“Congratulations, I guess,” Chang said. “But don’t think you’re anything special”.
He opened his book to a dog-eared page, and tapped an entry. “Pie-eating: 4.5 apple pies in 10 minutes, Kenny Wolf, 28, Cedar Rapids, IA. June 1999”.
“Until you're in this book, you're nobody, Castagna”.
Joey had never seen Roosevelt smile, and he wasn’t smiling now, but if it was possible to convey a spiteful grin without actually displaying one, Roosevelt had succeeded.
Joey felt a cramp in his stomach, likely a residual spasm from the previous day’s assault. But for Joey, it was the first pang of a new hunger - a hunger that he would never satisfy. Yesterday, he had joined the contest for pure fun and the promise of pie - a whole lot of pie. Today and forevermore, pie, and so many other foods he loved - meatballs, donuts, Twinkies, and hot dogs… especially hot dogs - would no longer be consumed for pleasure, but to secure a standing in the world.
Joey tore out the page from the Guinness Book, ripped it into small pieces, and sprinkled the fragments onto Chang's Cheerios.
In a single movement, he then palmed his own breakfast - a syrupy stack of pancakes - pushed the whole of it into his mouth, and gulped it down with hardly a chew.
He lifted his tray, and stood tall.
"Tell Kenny Wolf I'm coming for him".
Still Hungry
At Nathan’s Coney Island,
On the Fourth of July,
I ate more hot dogs,
Than anyone alive.
I broke my own record,
Set the world record too,
Seventy-six dogs down,
Buns, too.
Yes I hold the wiener record it’s true
But I also won the crown in fried asparagus (ew!)
Apple pie and Twinkies, funnel cake and Donettes,
Tamales, pierogi, gumbo, gyros, boiled eggs,
Katz pastrami, Philly cheesesteak, Krystal burgers, grilled cheese.
Jalapeño poppers, and whole turkeys,
I unseated the king of Buffalo wings,
And I swear I’ll pull the chair out from under the queen of poutine.
Set the clock tickin’,
And bring on the chicken,
I’m still hungry,
I’m still hungry.
Fire the gun,
And lay down the pork buns,
I’m still hungry,
I’m still hungry.
Lower the flag,
And strap on my feedbag,
I’m still hungry,
I’m still hungry for more.
But there’s something about those franks,
On Independence Day,
That just blows all the other contests away.
They’re a symbol of the nation,
Proud and strong,
They’re pleasingly plump,
They’re as firm as they’re long.
Those taut little torpedoes,
Always hit the mark,
Whether you buy 'em from your grocer’s case,
Or pick 'em up at the park.
You can slip 'em in beans,
You can stick 'em in buns,
You can stand them on their end,
To remind yourself,
They’re number one!
Set the clock tickin’,
And bring on the chicken,
I’m still hungry,
I’m still hungry.
Fire the gun,
And lay down the pork buns,
I’m still hungry,
I’m still hungry.
Lower the flag,
And strap on my feedbag,
I’m still hungry,
I’m still hungry for more.
Keep ‘em down, down,
Keep ‘em down, down,
But keep ‘em coming!
Keep ‘em down, down,
Keep ‘em down, down,
But keep ‘em coming!
….. Don’t let the dogs out!
It’s a day later,
And I’m all alone.
Gonna be in here a while,
Someone answer the phone!
I’m halfway through a novel,
It’s getting so good.
Came in with the sun,
I’ll go out with the moon.
I’m sweating from my ears,
I’m sweating from my feet.
There’s enough salt in my system,
To season a sea.
I might have a heart attack,
And I could have a stroke,
But why I have no regrets,
God help me,
I don’t know.
Set the clock tickin’,
And bring on the chicken,
I’m still hungry,
I’m still hungry.
Fire the gun,
And lay down the pork buns,
I’m still hungry,
I’m still hungry.
Lower the flag,
And strap on my feedbag,
I’m still hungry,
I’m still hungry for more.
Still hungry for more.
I’m still hungry for more.
Song by Joe Christiano
Performed by Joe Christiano with The National Delivery Band and Orchestra.