Heartache for $100
Bill "The Buzzer" Boatwright loved knowledge. He loved trivia. Loved facts and statistics. First thing every morning, he reached for his bedside almanac to learn what occurred that date in history, then, flush with tidbits, went to make coffee, and wait for his slow-rising wife.
“Today, May 14th, delegates met in Philadelphia to draft The Constitution, Lewis and Clark set out from St. Louis, and Borden patented condensed milk!” He could have gone on, but his wife pleaded that she could process only three items before breakfast.
Loreen came from a county in Texas that had a low percentage of higher education, and though she had graduated from Smith, and taught undergraduate psychology at Oregon State, her husband held an unconscious bias that she was less than fully educated.
He kissed her on the head - "Sealing in the facts!" - then hurried out the door to Home Depot where he cut blinds.
His almanac failed to list that May 14th was also his wife’s birthday.
"The Buzzer" got his nickname from neighbor Shelley who came over weeknights at 7:30 pm for Jeopardy. Loreen and Shelley were content to fill each other's wine glasses and enjoy the televised contest as a relaxing end to the day, but not "The Buzzer". He stood at a lectern, holding a wooden clothespin, shushing the women on the couch as Trebek read the clues.
"Bzzzt. Who was Barbara Pierce? (Category: First Ladies).
"Bzzzt. What are aglets"? (Category: By the Foot).
"Bzzzt. What was The Triangle Shirtwaist Factory ? (CategoryWhere There's Smoke).
“The Buzzer shames them again,” Shelley cried. "It's astonishing!".
Loreen held out her wine glass. "Hit me".
Tipsy one evening, she said, "Choose one: my living to be one-hundred, or your being the all-time champion of Jeopardy".
He thought about it. “Well, when I lie awake at night, I'm not thinking of my wife the centenarian".
Prior to his Jeopardy audition, The Buzzer was cautioned by the online fan community not to answer everything correctly. To make for a balanced show, the producers aim for a happy balance of esoteric expertise and forehead-smacking ignorance. Here, it was possible to know too much.
When he answered the clue, “This Pennsylvania lawyer was The United States’ only bachelor President” with "Who was Andrew Johnson?" it felt to Bill worse than telling a lie; it felt like self-betrayal.
In the end, it was an acceptable agony for he was invited to compete on the show.
He called his wife at work with the news. She congratulated him, then said she also had news.
***
Weeks later, in Los Angeles, on the big blue set, they paused taping.
"I know almost everything there is to know," Bill sobbed. "How could she leave me?"
A comforting arm went around him. "Knowledge, my friend, is not wisdom. But it makes for a good quiz show”.
Heartache for $100
First Ladies has always been a favorite with me,
Right behind Disasters of the Century
But since I’m behind by three-thousand bucks,
Ain’t gonna take any chances,
Or press my luck.
I’ll take Heartache for $100,
I’m gonna play it down the line,
And Alex, if I get a Daily Double, gonna bet it,
Alex, if I get a Daily Double, gonna bet it,
Alex, if I get a Daily Double, gonna bet it all.
My wife left me one miserable night,
She took what was hers, she left what was mine.
She called me an obsessive and a trivial freak,
Called me an obsessive, and a trivial freak.
Heartache for $100,
I’m gonna play it down the line,
And Alex, if I get a Daily Double, gonna bet it,
Alex, if I get a Daily Double, gonna bet it,
Alex, if I get a Daily Double, gonna bet it all.
Heartache for $100,
I’m gonna play it down the line,
Alex…. sweet Alex,
Sweet, sweet Alex,
Bet it all.
Song & production: Joe Christiano
Vocal: Ira Marlowe